Girls, Dress Codes, and Where Do We Draw The Line?

Raising a girl in this society can be quite a challenge. Where do we draw the line between freedom of expression, sexualizing children, and compliance with dress codes?

Especially with Halloween coming up, I wanted to address this. From the time my child was born, people have been putting labels on her. People have been sexualizing her. People sexualize infants all the time. “Ladies man” onesies, or “oh, watch out for the boys when she gets older".

Now I'm not here to judge people who buy those kinds of onesies, or say those kinds of things. It's something that I'm moving away from because it is sexualizing children, but I also understand that a lot of people really mean no harm by it. And, a lot of people aren't going to see it the way that I do. This isn't about judging others, but about sparking ideas and starting a conversation on how children are sexualized and how we can handle it. Eventually, there will be one on boys clothing (and I'm working on finding Trans people willing to write an article on it from their perspective. As I am not transgender, I prefer to defer to the authority)

But the fact is if you live in America, sex is absolutely everywhere. So is misogyny, inappropriate sexualization of children, and people who believe that they have the right to police the clothes and bodies of children. Even if they aren't their own. When my daughter was 15 months old, I was asked why I was dressing her so sexy -by a coworker at the daycare- because I put a halter top on her. We lived in Florida. It was hot. The halter top was cute. My 15 month old was never sexy. She was adorable and staying cool. Same thing when I got bikinis for her. I wasn't trying to put my infant on a catwalk or the dating game, it's easier for changing diapers and potty training. And she looked CUTE!

When children are younger, we are able to influence what they wear, but eventually they will start to want to express themselves through clothing. I firmly believe that we should allow and encourage this whenever we can. Maybe it's not okay for them to wear their Spider-Man pajama top and PAW Patrol shorts to church, but why not just for playing outside today? So what if Sally wants to wear her T-Rex Christmas shirt in July? Or if Jack wants to wear his Daniel Tiger swim shoes to the store?

But as always, when it comes to children and especially girls, sex always rears its ugly head again. So how do we balance that? How do we allow our girls to express themselves but not open them up to the harassment by other people?

What worked for both of my now adult girls (I have a stepdaughter, too, although we didn’t raise her full time), is when I told them that there is nothing wrong with the clothes they pick out, but even though it's really unfair, clothes send a message. And sometimes people can be mean about it. And so I didn't allow them to wear clothes that sent a message that they were not prepared to respond to. I made sure that they understood the distinction that it's nothing that they are doing wrong, they just aren't big enough yet. Just like when it comes to riding a bike without training wheels or using the stove.

I made sure to reinforce that there is nothing wrong with anything that they wear. That they aren't being slutty (a problematic, demeaning, and misogynistic word), they aren't being sexy, they're just being kids. But fair or not, it is a fact that when people wear certain things, other people can get really pushy and invasive about it. And that until they were ready to handle it when an adult gives them a hard time, I'm not going to put them in the position where they have to.

Now, of course, there is a certain standard that we should all adhere to. Of course all genitalia should be covered, and make sure that the clothing is appropriate for the environment / venue. And obviously, I'm not going to allow my 12 year old to wear a shirt that says “I love dad bods”.

As part of an ongoing lesson on boundaries, consent, and how navigate a very sexualized world, I gave them the tools to understand the relationship between clothing and feedback, and gave them the tools to learn how to respond to people at age appropriate levels. The more they were able to understand and respond to others, the more autonomy they had in their clothing choices.

But I'm not going to expect my children to have a maturity or a composure that they aren't ready for yet. Just like I won't let them use a knife until they've shown that they can do so properly, clothes are another area that we have to guide them.

And it's hard. It's hard because these are topics and issues that weren't really talked about when we were coming up. They are conversations that people are still not quite ready to have. Not when we have dress codes that punish girls for showing a bra strap.

As for school dress codes, I expected my to dress appropriately for school, but if her education had ever been interrupted because her bra strap was showing, I would have challenged the school board to change their dress codes, rather than punishing my daughter for having her anatomy and the clothing that society mandates we wear for the shape of our bodies. Thankfully, I was never really put in that position. We got lucky and throughout her schooling, any dress code issues were handled appropriately and respectfully. But I was definitely prepared to! I am all for following school rules, but there are some rules that do need to be challenged and changed. (And don't get me started on shorts. It was almost impossible to find shorts in the stores that were dress code compliant. Quite frankly, the dress codes were the problem, not her shorts)

I know this is a difficult topic to talk about and to think about, but if we are going to raise our children in a world that, like it or not, is very sexualized, I believe in giving them the tools and balancing navigating an unfair world with empowerment and autonomy.

And if you are also uncomfortable with shirts like “ladies man”, etc, I have begun a line of clothing on Teepublic. Here's an example of one. I am just barely getting started designing shirts and such, so there will be so much more in the future!